It's Show Time!

It's going to be an exciting next few days in Saint Louis, as the 2009 All Star Game comes to town. Already, you can feel the excitement around the city as the decorations are set up, visitors are filing into the downtown hotels and ticket scalpers are cashing in.

I paid a visit to the official All Star Game store earlier in the day. Not surprising, most things are pretty expensive. A shot glass was the cheapest item I found - that was for $10. I can't seem to bring myself to pay $35 dollars for a tee shirt.

Tomorrow is the celebrity softball game at the stadium. Monday is the Home Run Derby. Tuesday is the big day though. I'm very excited to get to be in attendance at an All Star Game in my home town.

I'll try to post as many stories, photos and video clips as I can over the next few days. I'll have my flip cam and digital camera with me the entire week. Stay tuned!

Want Another Ten Years?

Scientists claim they've found a drug that can add ten years onto your life.

Apparently that was the ONE drug Michael Jackson was NOT taking.

Teacher's Gone Wild

A teacher from California had sent her students a DVD of school memories of this past year. But, on the DVD, she accidentally added a scene where she was having sex on her couch. Oops.

Here's the craziest part: the guy she was having sex with wasn't even one of her students.

Wacko Jacko Memorial Service

They're still working out the details on Michael Jackson's funeral service. But, here's what we know so far: All of those lucky winners that got a ticket will get to see amazing musical performances and tributes, then you'll file by Michaels body to pay your last respects, while Joe Jackson tells you about his record company's latest projects

Happy 4th Of July!!!

I love my country. I really do. I'm guessing most of you truly love America as well. That's why I'm taking time to ask you to start paying attention to what's going on in Washington DC. Read the news, do your research and be informed about what politicians are trying to do to our country. It's not always exciting. It's certainly easier to search the web for jokes and funny videos, or play on Facebook. But, if people don't start paying attention and fighting back against these idiots in government, we aren't going to recognize America anymore.

I was talking to someone yesterday about the cap and trade bill that just passed the House last week. The person I mentioned this to had no clue what it even was. That was incredibly scary to me. People in congress are pushing through all kinds of stuff at lightning speed that will change your life in too many ways to count, and a lot of people aren't even paying attention.

So, starting this weekend -- shoot off your fireworks and gather with friends and family, fly those flags proudly, and most importantly, start paying attention to what's happening in DC and speak out against all of the nonsense. If you don't, you'll ask yourself in the not too distant future, "What happened to my country?"

Have a safe and happy 4th of July holiday!

Old Guy Joke

The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named The USS John McCain to track North Korean ships that may have illegal weapons.

You can tell it's the John McCain because the ship always leaves its left turn blinker on.

You Gotta Be Kidding Me

Ah yes, who wouldn't want this treasure in their bathroom? Who is buying all of this Obama crap? It's creepy, if you ask me. This Barack Obama shower curtain really tops it all, though. I mean, who wouldn't love to have the celebrity in chief staring at you while you're sitting on the toilet or washing your hair?

Woman's Poem VS Man's Poem

WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf, mute, gymnastic nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

Memories Of Ed McMahon

News came out this morning that one of my favorite people, Ed McMahon passed away this morning. He is one of the nicest celebrities I've ever met. In fact, I thought I'd share one of the neatest moments in my career that happened thanks to none other than Mr. McMahon himself.

Growing up as a huge fan of both him and Johnny Carson, it was nothing short of a thrill to have him sitting right next to me one afternoon in Beverly Hills, California.

It's actually a neat story. Every afternoon, we use the old "Tonight Show" theme song for the opening of my joke segment. In the Fall of 2002, I had plans to be at the Museum of Television & Radio in Beverly Hills. I thought that it would be pretty cool if I could convince Ed McMahon (who I knew lived very close by) to come down and introduce me on the air. I think secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, every broadcaster dreams about having a guy like Ed McMahon introduce you on stage.

After getting in touch with one of Ed's assistants and telling her who I was, she told me she would find out if my request was possible. I was certainly not expecting the phone call I got the following day from his personal assistant, Julie. (Who wound up becoming a very dear friend, by the way.)

Julie called and instructed me to call Mr. McMahon when I arrived in California and tell him the time, etc. This particular task was pretty nerve wracking for a 22 year old. I can remember being in my parents house, when I made the call. They were making a bunch of racket and my Mom was badgering me, asking who was on the phone. She didn't believe me when I whispered that it was Ed McMahon. As if I wasn't anxious enough, I had to run around the house with the cordless phone trying to escape the noise.

Finally, the next afternoon, Ed arrived at the museum just as I had asked him to and he couldn't have been nicer. We took a couple of photos. Then, walked into this tiny glassed in studio, with tourists looking in, as Ed introduced me on the air.

You can listen to the entire segment by clicking: HERE.

Yours truly at age 22 sitting next to a broadcast legend.

How Hot Is It?

It was so hot today, Hillary Clinton was seen wearing the pantsuit without the pants.

It was so hot today, Bill Clinton got a Slurpee..... and THEN went to 7-11

It was so hot today, my outdoor thermometer was banging on the door to come inside.

It was so hot today, I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.

It was so hot today, Rosie O'Donnell started a new career, selling a shade...

Whole Lotta Shakin Goin On

A pretty big earthquake jolted Alaska earlier today.

In fact, the quake was so strong, the Russians said they could see Sarah Palin's house swaying back and forth.

Hustler Founder Hustled To The E.R.

Porn giant and Hustler founder Larry Flynt was rushed to the hospital this weekend.

On the bright side, he didn't have to call an ambulance. Instead, he caught a ride with one of the pizza delivery boys that were standing by.

A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words

Three pictures... each worth 1,000 words:

President Bush

President Reagan

Enough said.

Something's Fishy

There's a story out there that's starting to pick up traction -- Barack Obama has fired an Inspector General that was oddly enough starting to investigate one of the Presidents friends for mishandling of taxpayer money. (The guy was using your tax dollars to pay people to run errands for him, like washing his car.)

The President told Congress that the real reason he fired the man was because "he appeared senile and incompetent." Riiiiiight.

And as we all know, the only job for people with those two particular qualifications is Vice President.

There's No Pleasing Women

My wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please.

Cool Pic!

Coolest pic of a tornado appearing out of nowhere, thanks to National Geographic.

Shoulda Stayed Home!

On Friday afternoon, I had a couple of minutes to share my vacation disaster with you on the air. I don't think I was able to do the story justice however, in the short amount of time we had, so I'll try to give you a more in depth, and hopefully entertaining version of what unfolded on Thursday and Friday.

Most Summers, I make my way to Nashville, TN to cover the Country Music Festival. Years ago it was known as "Fan Fair". It's a 4 day event, with all of the big stars in country music, all on one stage. It's usually a pretty good time. I've always said that country music is the only genre that truly appreciates the fans that support them. The same can be said of the fans supporting the artists. These people are beyond loyal. If you had one hit record 30 years ago, you'll still have fans lined up to get your autograph. If "Can't Touch This" had been a country hit, M.C. Hammer's signature would have been in demand this weekend.

A friend of mine was to join me during the trip. She planned to fly into Saint Louis on Thursday morning and drive with me to Nashville. American Airlines canceled her flight because "there might be bad weather". Not because there WAS bad weather.... but, because bad weather MIGHT appear. They rescheduled her to fly into Nashville Thursday afternoon. I told her I'd drive down solo and pick her up at the airport. While zooming down the highway to make it in time, I received a call from my friend. American Airlines had canceled yet another flight of hers! They wound up canceling 4 different flights!

I told her to forget it, and get her money back for the flight. I decided to go to the first night of shows alone, since I was already in town. I made my way downtown through the traffic and chaos that ensues on night one of the festivities. After 30 minutes of music, lightning could be seen off in the distance and they CANCELED THE CONCERT!!!!!! So, thousands and thousands of people are evacuated from the stadium. I had driven all the way to Nashville for NOTHING!

I went to the hotel to catch a night of sleep after a long and stressful day only to find that the air conditioning unit in my room was so loud that I would have had a better night's sleep in the back seat of my car. A tractor trailer engine revving up in the bed next to me would have been a welcome, peaceful sound compared to the rattling air conditioning unit.

Heading back to Saint Louis on Friday, I found myself stuck in construction traffic on interstate 57 north in Illinois. What a bunch of incompetent knuckleheads. Out of about 20 workers I saw, only ONE of them was actually doing anything. They didnt even have the lanes properly blocked so people were zig zagging everywhere, and 2 hours later I made it through. Thank God I stopped for gas before that mess. On another construction delay, I waited for 30 minutes only to make it through and find an older woman doing CROCHET on top of a steam roller!!!!! After all of these years, you know I'm not clever enough to make that up!!

It was good to get back home, and I don't think I'm ever leaving the house again.

All Kidding Aside

Kelly Clarkson said that she is sick and tired of fat jokes about her.

At least I think that's what she said, it was hard to understand her with a mouth full of Twinkies.

Can You Tell A Guy From A Woman?

Ok, so the task at hand is fairly simple: There are 5 photos here, can you pick out which of them is the girl and which one is the guy?

Guess what??! They're ALLLLL guys!!!! Yikes!

Did Richard Simmons Get A Hold Of Your Legs?

One couldn't help but notice Gweneth's glistening legs last night when she appeared on "The Tonight Show" with Conan O'Brien.

Word is she put too much moisturizer on her legs before she came out on stage. It seemed to be all gone in the second segment. Either way, she looked AWESOME last night! And, how refreshing to see an interview on "The Tonight Show" where the host wasn't staring at his notes and not paying attention to his guests. So far, I'm loving the new show minus Jay Leno.

Bill Talking To Alison In NYC

My friend, Alison Rosen who is an accomplished writer and frequent TV personality on the Fox News Channel is doing these fun video blogs on her website, where she interviews her friends and does a "web show" in her apartment in New York City. She asked me to be one of her guests yesterday. She then proceeds to pronounce my last name incorrectly because she's only heard it pronounced once a long time ago, I guess. So, I hung up on her.

No... of course I didn't! I put up with her for another 6 or 7 minutes. Ha! Just kidding. She's a hoot, and I wish her luck with her show. She also refers to me as a "whippersnapper"... which is also funny because she's only like 4 years older than I am. Guess she feels like an old lady?

Ladies.... He's Single!

A 29-year-old man from Knoxville, Tennessee, appears to have set a new U.S. record. He was taken to court for non-payment of child support, and authorities discovered he's fathered 21 kids with 11 different women.

Here's the amazing thing -- he doesn't even play for an NBA team.

Conan Doesn't Disappoint

When I tuned in last night to watch Conan O'Brien debut as the new host of "The Tonight Show", I knew he couldn't bring the show anywhere but up. Jay Leno watered down the NBC franchise so much over the past 17 years, an old country western performer from Branson would have been an improvement in the host's chair.

Conan O'Brien has a lot working against him. There's a chunk of Americans that don't "get" him. Although, most probably never gave him a real chance when he hosted "Late Night". People tend to have strong feelings for certain television and radio personalities after watching or listening one time. Even worse, most people just see a short clip, or hear someone else give a review and take it as gospel. George Carlin used to say: "I have this moronic thing I like to do, it's called: thinking for myself." For example, a lot of people hate Bill O'Reilly on the Fox News Channel. I can't tell you how many times I've asked people what they don't like about him. 9 out of 10 times they don't have an answer. So then I ask how often they watch. Again, 9 out 10 will say they've never watched. Really? So, how is it you can base your opinion on something that you've never even taken the time to evaluate? The answer is simple -- you can't.

Would your Mom let you get away with saying you don't like a certain food if you've never even tried it? Not likely.

Conan has had several months to prepare his first show, and he obviously went to great lengths to put together a lot of good, solid segments. His opening bit where he ran across the country to Los Angeles was terrific. A bit of old school Letterman. His segment where he "stole" the D from the Hollywood sign was funny. The trip with the tour group on the Universal tram wasn't his best stuff, but certainly leaves open the door for a lot of future comedy segments with tourists there on the Universal Studios lot where he now will tape his show. His new set looks amazing; no corny hand shaking of the audience members and a return to walking out from behind a curtain is classy. The band always sounds great and Conan's off the cuff reactions to his audience members is unique.

The new set of "The Tonight Show" with Conan O'Brien

My only complaint will irk long time Conan fans, but Andy Ricter adds nothing to the show. In fact, I think Andy is what held back Conan at "Late Night". Conan is much better solo, and hopefully Andy won't get in the way. His awkward responses during Conan's opening monologue last night were weird at best. But, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt since it was the first episode.

It will be fun to see where this new version of "The Tonight Show" leads and if Conan can continue to stay on top of the ratings. As long as he stays away from being too political (that's Letterman's problem) I think he'll easily stay #1. Dave has become angry, bitter and stale. People want fresh and funny, especially during the crazy times we find ourself in right now.

I think many Americans will come to enjoy Conan's brand of humor. As long as they give him a chance.

Nut Job Runs For Re-Election

The President of Iran is up for re-election and a lot of people are campaigning against him.

But, this guy's pretty shrewd. He's taken a page from Barack Obamas playbook. For example, all over Iran, you see posters of him with the phrase "Jihad You can Believe In"

Two of the world's biggest goons, Chavez & Ahmadinejad